One year ago I boarded a one way flight to start a new life in an unfamiliar country. Every step I took to the security checkpoint was a step father away from everything that I held close, my house, my parents, my beloved sister, my dog, and my friends. I had no idea what life was going to be like “over there” and I didn’t know if it was the place for me. I just took a shot in the dark and hoped for the best.
My new life in Germany has changed so much yet so little. Though it cannot be compared to living in New York City to living in Northern Germany because, well, let’s be honest, it’s vastly different.
One year abroad has taught me a few things. Things I’m currently still working on and things I’ve already grown used to.
The smallest differences become your biggest differences.
What I thought were such small differences back in the states became a huge difference to me when I moved abroad. I thought the banking system, of example, would be mildly the same and boy was I wrong. These differences can be a big pain and a struggle when you’re starting off and not knowing the language certainly put on a level of stress. What I would normally think would be a no problem situation, became a big time consuming problem. For these types of things you really have to plan, prepare, execute, wait, be accepted, and then reap the benefits.
Learning the language is imperative.
I’ve been told I have a knack for learning and picking up languages fairly quickly and speak them fairly well. That theory was and is still being tested here in Germany. Without language most people wouldn’t be able to move around. I thought that I’d pick up more when I throw myself into the deep end and I would start speaking quickly. That was pure insanity. The Germans I come into contact with speak in the lowest possible decibel level, and very quickly and as a country similar to the U.S. in respect that is has different accents so it becomes a game of “can you read my lips?”
You’re always “The Foreigner”.
At this point, I have grown used to the fact and joke that I will always be the foreigner. Everyone you meet is interested in where you come from but without the small talk. When they hear I have journeyed from far away NYC you can see various facial expressions flit across their faces in a matter of seconds. “But why would you want to come to a small village like Hamburg if you’ve lived in NYC?” and “NYC is such a cool place!” First, no Hamburg is not a small village. Second, yes New York really is a gem of a city but it’s completely different to one who lives there and one who is the tourist. Two exceptionally different lives are lived in New York.
You also become a slight afterthought in social situations.
It’s most likely not on purpose when you’re out with a group of people and they only include you towards the end of the conversation; “oh, by the way, we’re heading over to this place next, sorry we didn’t tell you.” Don’t take it personally. Which is really difficult. It has to do with the language barrier. People express themselves in the language that comes easiest to them so I can’t expect them to be very animated in English. Yes, sometimes social situations can feel awkward and sometimes like I’m the third wheel. But if I don’t put myself out there, I won’t ever make friends in the first place.
Making friends with Germans is difficult.
Germans are good people but they take an exceptionally long time to warm up to you and then some more time to accept you and an equally more time to be friends with you. In fact, I think I have one native German friend (who only recently ‘go used to me’) and everyone else in my little circle is an expat from some other country. I have felt like Germans are quite accepting of new people but they keep you at a distance and eyeball you suspiciously when you’re not looking. I think this behavior could explain why dating and social situations are so strange here.
You start to desperately miss “normality”.
Meaning, you miss the normal way of living that you’re used to. And that is ok. I recently thought I could fare well without an AC, granted Northern Germany doesn’t have such heat, humidity or not, as Colorado but the few days that do come about on the higher end of the temperature gauge can be a damper on your entire day and your apartment becomes an oven just as much as the train you take to work. Hello sweat stains!
Integrate yourself with others by sharing a meal.
Since Germans take a while to get used to you, spend as much time as you can with your fellow native’s of your adopted country. I believe it’s so important sharing a meal with others because just this simple daily act brings down barriers and opens conversation. Even while traveling alone, eating with others is not so scary, you might walk away with a friend.
You learn how to have fun…
…in different ways. Sometimes I find myself doing the same activity here in Germany as I used to in the U.S. but for some of these I found it was better here in Germany and others there. No matter the reason, hobbies don’t have to die out when you leave home but you can find new ones and become better at the ones you already have. Sometimes its not even about hobbies but having a pleasant conversation with a taxi driver or being asked if you’re ok with being on candid camera.
I still don’t know how to talk to strangers.
But a smile goes a long way. I always try to talk with people as it’s a great way to speak the minimal German I know. Talking to strangers puts you out of your comfort zone but also do you really want to be listening to your own thoughts all the time and being a social hermit? I tried it and didn’t like it. This is still a goal of mine to work on.
The sky is not the limit.
In America we are conditioned that the sky is the limit and our dreams and goals are achievable and people have achieved and overcome things against impossible odds. In Germany there are obstacles, contracts, processes, and directions to go about where you want your goals to land. Sadly, this created a lot more frustration for me at my job and I learned diplomacy very quickly. There is no direct route to anywhere.
Patience goes a long way.
Patience is paramount in my daily life. Most of the time, it doesn’t come easy. Everyday is a new opportunity to learn to be patient and learn to deal with things patiently and understand the way of doing things patiently are all equally important. It’s too easy to get stressed out in unfamiliar circumstances but no one will even try to help you if you’re irritated. Patience is a reward you give yourself at the start of each day to have a better day today than the day before.
Ambiguity is everywhere.
When the post office says they close at 6pm but you arrive at 5:30 and the doors are closed, blinds rolled down and lights turned off, it’s easy to lose your cool (see above point about patience). When you sit down at the restaurant and the waiter walks by your table several times you think to yourself “Is he going to come over and take my order?” Asking yourself if you should bring an umbrella in case it rains. These are all ambiguous to me and I have since then taken some with a grain of salt, others more philosophically and some as rhetorical questions. I have learned not to be surprised when the answer is not what is expected.
Things that don’t matter don’t bother you.
Why suddenly the ubahn is delayed, or why a certain process changed at work, perhaps even why the internet is really bad in Germany. I have learned that these are not things in my control and have accepted them as what they are. Even though I still complain about the s****y internet service here. There are so many things in life that we cannot control and after I moved abroad my mind also did a spin and I thought I could control a lot more than I thought.
Abandon any notion of what you think “normal” is.
Your normal is a lot different from my normal and that is precisely the reason why you should throw that idea out the window. Holidays will never be the same as what they are back home. Traditions are vastly different. Heck, even the regular baking flour is different form the “normal” one back home. Should you refrigerate eggs or shouldn’t you. I live in a completely different world and I have had to adapt. Even living in New York City after moving from Colorado that was also different. I’ve learned to navigate a “normal” life in the new place I’ve planted my roots.
Having a broader global perspective.
I’m first generation American, my parents are Polish, I speak three languages fluently and learning two more, I’ve lived on two continents, two different states, and three countries. I believe my pride in my heritage, strive for learning and overall global perspective provides me with optimism, diplomacy and options for my future. I can only hope my parents are proud of who I have become so far.
