They say no two flights are ever the same and honestly? It’s because no two pilots are the same. Or crew for that matter.
As a flight attendant, I’ve worked with every type of pilot under the sun. Some made me laugh. Some made me question my life choices. Some… Well, let’s just say they should come with a warning label.
Here’s my very official, totally accurate ranking of every pilot I’ve ever flown with.
The Good Looking One
👉 Definition: Walks into the crew room and every head turns. Knows they’re good looking. Radiates pilot energy. Somehow has perfect hair at 4 a.m.
⭐ Chaos Level: 7/10
Rating: “A distraction. Would lose professionalism again.”
You’ll swear you’re immune until they flash a smile over the PA. You’ve never fought harder for a galley position near the cockpit door.
2. The Dad Joke Machine
👉 Definition: Every announcement ends in a pun. Constant “Is this thing on?” humor. Refers to turbulence as “a little bumpy ride, folks.”
⭐ Chaos Level: 3/10
Rating: “Would fly again. 10/10 for vibes.”
You roll your eyes but secretly love it. He makes the longest flights feel like a comedy club. Might or might not have a “World’s Best Pilot” mug in the cockpit.
3. The Weather Channel Host
👉 Definition: Gives the most detailed weather reports in human history. Announces barometric pressure, dew point, and cloud height every hour, on the hour.
⭐ Chaos Level: 4/10
Rating: “Educational, but sir… we’re just trying to land.”
Passengers don’t know what a METAR is but now they’ve memorized the jet stream’s path. Might moonlight as an amateur meteorologist.
4. The Silent One
👉 Definition: Says nothing except what’s required by FAA regulations. No jokes. No banter. No chit-chat. Quietly reads manuals on break.
⭐ Chaos Level: 1/10
Rating: “Mysterious. Would either trust my life with him or fear he’s plotting something.”
You’ll wonder if they even like you. Then randomly one day they’ll say “Good job” and you’ll be thinking about it for a week.
5. The Wild Card
👉 Definition: Has stories that start with “This one time in Vegas…” Might be hungover. Orders the sketchy sushi during layovers.
⭐ Chaos Level: 10/10
Rating: “Zero predictability. Pray for no check rides.”
He’s fun, he’s funny, he’s terrifying. You don’t know if you’ll end the trip laughing in a bar or writing an incident report. Possibly both.
The “I Love Flying But Hate This Airline” Pilot
👉 Definition: Reminds everyone at least once per leg that this company’s policies are garbage, the pay is crap, and they’re “just here for the hours.”
⭐ Chaos Level: 5/10
Rating: “Iconic complainer. 90% accurate. 10% exhausting.”
Still professional in the cockpit, but the second the cockpit door’s shut: “You won’t BELIEVE what crew scheduling pulled yesterday…”
7. The Female Pilot Who’s Dead Serious About Human Trafficking
👉 Definition: Hypervigilant. Won’t hesitate to involve authorities if something looks off. Runs her own awareness initiative.
⭐ Chaos Level: 4/10
Rating: “Absolute hero. Low-key intimidating.”
She’s the reason the PA sounds sharper. Always scanning. You feel safer flying with her, just don’t be caught slacking.
8. The Social Media Famous First Officer
👉 Definition: Has 75K followers for cockpit selfies, dispatch papers shots, and “Day in the Life” reels. Always filming B-roll.
⭐ Chaos Level: 8/10
Rating: “Content queen. I’m in 12 of their Instagram stories and didn’t know.”
You admire their hustle… until they ask you to take their jumpseat photo mid-preboarding.
9. The “Freshly Upgraded Captain”
👉 Definition: Was First Officer last week, now Captain. Over-apologizes to ATC, flight attendants, passengers, gate agents, pigeons.
⭐ Chaos Level: 6/10
Rating: “Baby Captain Energy. Would trust them with my life, but also need to double-check if they armed the door.”
They’re sweating bullets on Day 1 and low-key miss being a First Offiicer where someone else made the decisions.
10. The “Just Released Into the Wild” First Officer
👉 Definition: Fresh out of Initial Operating Experience. Still writing reminders on their hand. Holding onto their flight bag like it’s a comfort object.
⭐ Chaos Level: 7/10
Rating: “Bless them. I’d hug them if they weren’t so terrified.”
They rehearse their announcements. Every landing is a science experiment. Proud but… watching closely.
11. The Commuter
👉 Definition: Flies cross-country (or internationally) just to get to base. Already flown 3 legs before you even start your trip.
⭐ Chaos Level: 4/10
Rating: “Running on caffeine and vibes. Give them the crew rest first bunk.”
Grumpy until fully caffeinated. Sleepier than the newborn in 4C.
12. The Old School Captain
👉 Definition: Been flying since before you were born. Says “back in my day” at least once per trip. Calls it “stewardess” with no malice.
⭐ Chaos Level: 3/10
Rating: “Living aviation encyclopedia. You’ll learn something. Or twenty things.”
Slightly stuck in the past but professional and no-BS. Might show you photos of them flying a DC-9.
13. The “I Only Fly to Fund My Real Hobby” Pilot
👉 Definition: This job’s just to pay for skydiving lessons, racing motorcycles, or restoring vintage planes.
⭐ Chaos Level: 6/10
Rating: “Wild outside the cockpit. Weirdly quiet in the cockpit.”
Their Instagram is nothing but GoPro footage and race helmets.
14. The Tinder Captain
👉 Definition: “Single pilot looking for a copilot ;)” vibes. Somehow finds a way to mention their divorce mid-climb.
⭐ Chaos Level: 9/10
Rating: “Walking HR violation. Don’t leave them unsupervised in the galley.”
You pray they’re not deadheading on your flight out of uniform.
15. The “Mom” Captain
👉 Definition: Checks if you ate. Makes sure you’re drinking water. Looks out for the junior crew. Always offers the jumpseat blanket.
⭐ Chaos Level: 1/10
Rating: “Would absolutely let them adopt me.”
A dream to fly with. Their announcements are practically lullabies.
16. The Ex-Military Captain
👉 Definition: Calls ATC “Tower” even when it’s Center. Doesn’t flinch at anything. Lands like a carrier landing.
⭐ Chaos Level: 2/10
Rating: “Precision god. Bit intense but would survive an apocalypse with them.”
You can tell from their posture alone.
17. The “I’m Gonna Upgrade and Leave This Place” Pilot
👉 Definition: Counting down hours to upgrade. Counting down hours to Delta/United. Counting down hours to retirement.
⭐ Chaos Level: 4/10
Rating: “Every conversation circles back to career moves. Relatable but tiring.”
They’re here for the hours, the paycheck, and the next move.
18. The Smooth Talker
👉 Definition: Knows everyone at ops, maintenance, crew scheduling. Talks their way out of every situation.
⭐ Chaos Level: 5/10
Rating: “Useful AF. Slightly shady. Respect.”
Got your catering fixed, your hotel sorted, and still had time to chat up the gate agent.
19. The “No Social Skills But Great Pilot” Type
👉 Definition: Barely makes eye contact. Keeps conversation cockpit-only. Flying? Flawless.
⭐ Chaos Level: 1/10
Rating: “Pilot robot. But a safe one.”
Socially awkward but rock solid under pressure.
20. The “I’m Retiring Next Month” Captain
👉 Definition: Clocked out mentally 6 months ago. Loves telling war stories. Low-key DGAF energy.
⭐ Chaos Level: 6/10
Rating: “Letting Jesus take the yoke. Bless.”
Counting days, telling tales, but still smooth at the controls.
21. The Female Mentor
👉 Definition: Obsessed with lifting other women in aviation. Shares scholarship links, coaching advice, and tells you every training hack.
⭐ Chaos Level: 3/10
Rating: “Human LinkedIn post. But the GOOD kind.”
She’ll have you signing up for Women in Aviation, mentoring juniors, and rewriting your resume by the end of the trip.
22. The “Don’t You Dare Call Me Sweetheart” Captain
👉 Definition: Zero-tolerance for sexism. Will publicly roast a gate agent for calling her “honey.”
⭐ Chaos Level: 7/10
Rating: “Terrifying but righteous queen.”
You cheer her on… from a safe distance. No one underestimates her twice.
Bonus Type:
The Unicorn (Funny + Chill + Professional)
👉 Definition: The dream pilot. Good-looking, hilarious, respectful, helpful, zero ego.
⭐ Chaos Level: 0/10
Rating: “Doesn’t exist. Or if they do, they’re already married to another flight attendant.”
